The Pathbeater

Our state government recently took a proactive step in the economic struggle by detailing a number of generous cuts that would be made to wasteful government spending. A prominent member of the Massachusetts Senate stood on the floor and said, “We refuse to raise taxes until all unnecessary spending is eliminated. The burden to taxpayers who face unemployment and reduced retirement funds is high enough. We must look in the mirror first, before considering any kind of tax increase, when dealing with budget shortfalls.” She was then given a 10-minute standing ovation and carried from the hall on the shoulders of her fellow Senators.

Ha. Please excuse me and my pipe dreams. That’s very obviously not how our government works. Instead, the Massachusetts Senate recently voted overwhelmingly to raise the state sales tax by 25% - a move that the Retailers Association of Massachusetts (quoted in The Boston Globe) says will cost the state 12,600 jobs. Those who lose their jobs clearly should be grateful for the opportunity to contribute to the greater good – our benevolent government just needs that money more than they do.

The lesson is clear: Given a choice between reducing the size of the government and squeezing the taxpayer, the people who run the government will always opt for the second option. This includes my local Senators, none of whom stood against the tax hikes. Also, this same group has stood idly by year after year and allowed commuters from Central Massachusetts to pay the freight for the Big Dig via the Turnpike – clearly, these are true advocates for their constituents.

But none of this really matters, since all of the Senators who voted for the tax are virtually assured of keeping their seats in the next election - thanks to a huge bloc of Massachusetts voters who just blindly vote to re-elect everyone. These are the same voters who decided overwhelmingly in favor of keeping the income tax, so the chances are that these increases will not only be understood, but welcomed. Joe Biden said that paying taxes is patriotic, and who is more patriotic than we are?

If any of the voters did object, and bothered to ask, the Senators might explain that the state needs this money. After all, they can’t be expected to make cuts first. And, when cuts are made, they’ll certainly have to be in local aid (which, the Boston papers report, will not be helped by these tax increases) before reducing the bureaucracy.

Also, kindly refrain from asking how the money is being spent. The Boston Herald asked about the salaries of the aides and other staff members for these Senators but was denied by a law that exempts the House and Senate from public records laws. The lawmakers will gladly spend your money, but please, don’t ask to see an itemized bill. Everything is being very carefully supervised; just ask them (some Representatives and a couple of Senators did reveal their payrolls voluntarily, but most chose not to cooperate, saying that they were “following the law.”).

Now, in the spirit of fairness, the Senate did vote against two proposed gas tax hikes, and didn’t raise the income tax; but they did vote to repeal the tax exemption for alcohol purchased in package stores. The reason for the exemption was that alcohol is already assigned an excise tax. For alcohol, there will now be a tax on the excise tax. To break it down, the current price I pay for beer is the cost of the beer plus the cost of the excise tax. That total will now be taxed. A tax on a tax, if you will. It’s enough to make any legislator look up from the trough and squeal with glee.

With the government putting so many hands in the pockets of the taxpayer, it’s no small wonder that a recent member of the Senate is accused of increasing her efficiency by skipping the middle man and taking money directly from her constituents and stuffing it into her bra. She was such a respected member of the Senate that Governor Deval Patrick actively campaigned for her re-election, and recorded a message for voter answering machines that called her an “experienced leader on Beacon Hill.” Imagine her surprise when she was arrested by the FBI. I mean, finding new ways to take money from the people is what Senators do, isn’t it?

The fact is that the government is facing budget shortfalls. The money has to come from somewhere. Hard decisions have to be made, and the Senate is stepping up and making those decisions. This type of steely determination was also demonstrated when, despite a failing economy, these same Senators accepted a pay raise in January (again, just “following the law”). Courage is not free, after all.

I was standing in the grocery store, trying to decide on a brand of canned tomatoes, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone making off with my grocery cart. I turned to pursue the thief, and then noticed it was my old friend Rick O’Shea. He looked into the cart with a look of disgust.

“Why do you buy so much fruit? It just ends up rotting on your counter.”

I’m trying to be healthy. Plus, I want to wean myself off of junk food before it starts being taxed at a higher rate.

“Well, maybe you should consider a bunch of canned foods, instead. You know, in case the government collapses and there is anarchy – you don’t want to be without baby peas in a situation like that.”

I don’t think things are exactly to that point.

“That’s fair, but when they do get to that point, do you think there will be any canned goods left on the shelves? Plan ahead, I always say!”

I’m trying to remain positive. Hopefully, the economic stimulus plan will help to rebuild things.

“It might. I’m curious, though, if the billions of dollars in the plan that are earmarked for ‘neighborhood stabilization’ will just end up in the pocket of ACORN. I mean, I guess they expect to get paid for helping with the election, but I don’t see how that is going to help the economy more than, say, tax cuts that might create jobs.”

Rick, you’re being too negative. I mean, just look at Massachusetts. The governor ran on a campaign based on doing things differently – changing the status quo and fighting the traditional bureaucracy while lowering our property taxes. Now, in two short years, look at all he has accomplished.

“Oh yes. Looks like both the gas tax and the tolls are going up. It’s interesting how making serious cuts to the bureaucracy, or taking down the tolls, is never really on the table. Business as usual on Beacon Hill. Together we can!”

And just think, in a few years you might have the privilege of being tracked with a GPS device on your inspection sticker. That’s more than a little frightening. Although, I’m sure that the people who have told me that they want to move out of the state are just being paranoid. Our benevolent government would never use a power like that for ill gains. Big Brother is just a fictional idea…right?

“Don’t you trust your government? After all, when the economy was booming, all of the Democrats said that it wasn’t the right time to honor their promise to lower the state income tax to 5 percent. Is now the time? I know I could use a little extra dough in my pocket.”

(At this point I began to laugh until I choked a little bit). It’s interesting that the Turnpike Authority actually has the gall to suggest that these toll increases are just temporary, maybe until the end of the year. Honestly, what evidence do we have that any tax or other source of income for the state government will ever be just temporary? Why do they think that people will buy that?

“Maybe because only 32% of the people voted to eliminate the state income tax? And because the same people continue to get re-elected as senators and reps, no matter how they vote? If the people cared about this stuff, would the central and western Mass reps really be able to go along with their constituents footing the bill for the Big Dig at the toll booths, while everyone else gets a pass?”

Well, people voted against cutting the income tax because they thought that the other taxes would go up. Now, we still have the income tax, and the other taxes are going up anyway. I’d maybe even agree with a gas tax to pay for all of this stuff, but only if the toll booths come down. That seems like a fair and equitable solution. Of course, that would eliminate too many patronage jobs, so I’m sure that we’ll get both the tolls and the tax. When times are tough, soak the people.

“Yes we can!”

We certainly can. Now give me back my cart.

Random stuff I’ve scraped together:

I’d like to start off by noting the passing of John Updike. His piece about Ted Williams’ final at-bat, “Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu,” is a wonderful example of what sports writing – or any writing – can be. I liked that piece so much that I bought a two-pack of Updike novels, “Rabbit is Rich, and Rabbit at Rest,” in hopes of experiencing the same thrill I had when reading “Hub Fans.”

But, then I discovered that those two novels are sequels to Updike’s 1960 novel, “rabbit, run.” I didn’t want to read them out of order, so I scouted around, literally for years, until I found “rabbit, run” in a store (I don’t know why I didn’t just order it online, but I didn’t). I brought it home, opened it and began devouring page after page about Rabbit Angstrom. The rich prose was there, but after 35 pages or so, I found that I didn’t like the book. No particular reason. I just didn’t like the main character, couldn’t get into the story, and since my “free reading” time in between semesters is tight, I put it down. I moved on to some other book, and I haven’t been back since.

Now that the man has passed, I might have to give “rabbit, run” another shot. I figure I owe him that much for the wonder that is “Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu.”…

…At the local bar, there is a hand dryer in one of the bathrooms. I am of the opinion that hand dryers are one of the worst inventions in history – just ahead of spray-on hair – and that they should be banned. They blow germs around the room, and force you to stand in the bathroom and impatiently enjoy the ambience while the blower doesn’t really dry your hands. Honestly, are you going to stand there for two cycles?

Anyway, I had a chuckle when I looked at the instructions on this dryer. There were the standard instructions:

1. Shake excess water from hands.
2. Push button and release
3. Rub hands together under nozzle

But someone has scratched an additional message under those:
4. Dry hands on pants.

Maybe bars should consider just hanging a pair of pants where the dryer would go, since that’s what happens anyway. It would save electricity…

…I am of the opinion that there are certain athletes who should never have to buy themselves a beer in New England, ever again. Those include Adam Vinatieri and Curt Schilling (for his “sew the ankle tendon” heroics), two guys who have been instrumental to the joy I have experienced with the local sports scene for the last 10 or so years.

However, Mr. Schilling is now entering the journalistic fray as a guest on the local sports radio show. He’s always been outspoken, both in interviews and on his blog, and I have to this point enjoyed his candor. But, I think that a big part of what I enjoyed was the fact that he was an insider, giving us inside information that we couldn’t get access to elsewhere.

Now that he is dipping his toe into a career in talking about sports, I am afraid that he will continue to be outspoken, but without the access he once had. That has a chance to turn him into just another blowhard announcer, looking for something to say that will cause controversy and get ratings. This will cause my affection for him to go down, and he will then have to buy his own beer. There isn’t any proof that this will happen, and he has shown good judgment in the past, so I’m hoping that he continues with that trend and avoids the blowhard path. Ideally, he’ll be pitching again this year, so it’ll be a moot point…

…And finally, in honor of my New Year’s resolution to eat healthier food, I am planning to make candied bacon ice cream for my brother’s annual Super Bowl party. One of my friends made it in culinary school and still raves about it.

When I tell people that I’m going to make it, half of them cringe and dry heave a little, and half of them say, “Wow, that sounds incredible.”

My wife is in the “incredible” crowd. I am a lucky man.