The New Year has been rung in, and once again it was celebrated by Jenny McCarthy telling herself that the world cares whom exactly she kisses at midnight. I celebrated – after checking to see who received Ms. McCarthy’s favors, of course – by putting together a to-do list for the coming year. Everyone has those few little things that they’ve been meaning to do but just haven’t been able to get done, and I am no different. I am hoping that by cleaning up these items, a weight will be lifted off of my shoulders and I will walk around smiling all of the time. The list:

1. Write a hugely successful novel and retire to a warm-weather city. I’m most of the way there – all I need is an idea, time and motivation to write it, and someone to publish it. For the city, I was thinking San Diego, but I am open to suggestions.

2. I will remind myself that rich people supposedly aren’t any happier than non-rich people.

3. In a somewhat related note, I will spend less time mocking Yankee fans – even though I secretly suspect they are happier.

4. Going forward, I am going to start calling my refrigerator an “ice box.” Just sounds cool.

5. This will finally be the year that I watch the original version of the movie When a Stranger Calls. Every year until this one I have been much, much too chicken to even start watching it, as everyone seems to describe it as unbelievably scary.

6. In a related item, our house makes some strange creaky noises at night – noises that make my wife and I look at each other and ask, “Did you hear that?” This year I resolve that my wife and I should split up and investigate.

7. I recently won my fantasy football league, so I will invest those winnings in something long term. I’m thinking maybe t-bills. How many t-bills can you buy for $60?

8. I plan to have my car thoroughly cleaned soon. I think my 2-year old spilled some sort of house plant in my backseat, so considering the amount of liquid my son spills out of his sippy cups on a daily basis, there is a very real possibility that I am raising crops back there.

9. When the newly signed Red Sox position players (including Mike Napoli, if he actually signs) prove unable to hit even average right-handed pitching, I will do my best not to fire off angry emails to the Red Sox brass.

10. I will stop trying to pull pans out of my oven with one hand, as these attempts generally result in spilled pan contents, smoke, alarms, crying children, and burns on said hand. In a related note, last night after she and my son explored the medical kit for solutions to a burn (that didn’t result in alarms), my wife actually said “Thank you for burning your hand on the oven. It was a nice seven minute distraction.”

11. Sometime in January, I plan to stop watching 30 Rock.

12. I plan to teach my son that a baseball glove is used for catching the ball; not for throwing it (even though he gets off some amazing throws from that thing).

13. Finally, I resolve to stop getting into political arguments with people who are positive that they are correct. If these people aren’t smart enough to see that I am clearly right, then why bother arguing with them?

Seriously, though, I’ll just be happy to keep my head out of my posterior for most of the year. I know it’ll sneak its way in there at some point or other, but I also know that if I listen to my wife and enjoy the time I have with our kids; hopefully things will turn out ok. May your 2013 be happy and healthy…just don’t expect too much from the Red Sox.